Defensiveness is a common but harmful behavior in relationships, often arising as a way to protect oneself from criticism or perceived attacks. It occurs when a person responds to a partner’s concerns by shifting blame, justifying their actions, or counterattacking, rather than acknowledging the issue at hand. While it may seem like a natural reaction to feeling hurt or misunderstood, defensiveness can erode trust and intimacy over time, making it a serious obstacle to healthy communication.
What Does Defensiveness Look Like?
Defensiveness can manifest in various ways, including:
- Blame-shifting: Instead of taking responsibility, the defensive partner might say, “It’s not my fault that I’m late. You didn’t remind me.”
- Counterattacking: Rather than addressing a complaint, they might respond with a complaint of their own, like, “Well, you never help around the house, so why should I care about being on time?”
- Making excuses: Offering justifications for their behavior, such as, “I’ve been so stressed with work, so of course I forgot.”
In these examples, the defensive partner avoids owning their part in the problem, which makes it difficult to resolve the issue constructively.
Defensiveness and the Gottman Method
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a set of behaviors that predict divorce in a relationship. The other three—criticism, contempt, and stonewalling—along with defensiveness, contribute to a cycle of negativity and disconnection. Defensiveness is particularly damaging because it blocks open, honest communication, making it difficult for couples to address their underlying needs and concerns.
Why Do People Become Defensive?
Defensiveness often stems from deeper insecurities, fear of rejection, or feelings of inadequacy. A person may feel attacked or believe they are being unfairly judged, triggering a defensive response as a means of self-preservation. In some cases, defensiveness is a learned behavior from childhood or past relationships, where the individual felt they had to protect themselves from criticism or emotional harm.
How to Overcome Defensiveness
The first step in overcoming defensiveness is self-awareness. A person must recognize when they are becoming defensive and reflect on why they feel the need to protect themselves in that moment. Therapy can help individuals uncover the root causes of their defensiveness and develop healthier communication patterns.
To change this behavior, partners can practice active listening and take responsibility for their actions, even when it feels uncomfortable. Expressing vulnerability and acknowledging one’s role in a conflict opens the door to empathy and understanding, fostering a stronger emotional connection.
Defensiveness, though common, is a destructive force in relationships that can lead to disconnection if not addressed. By recognizing and working through defensiveness, individuals can foster healthier communication, allowing for growth and deeper connection with their partner.
GOTTMAN THERAPY TAMPA
Hanson Complete Wellness, Therapy & Counseling is a boutique person-centered therapy practice in Tampa and surrounding areas. Our mission is to help others live better through evidence-based therapeutic interventions such as Gottman Therapy in a safe comforting environment. We specialize in anxiety, relationships, complex trauma, getting unstuck, ADHD, Gottman Method, ACT, CBT, DBT, couples counseling, adults, teens, children, and families. Are you interested in learning more about working with an experienced therapist? Our therapists are experienced and are here for you.
Call us now at (813)333-1425 to learn more.